


Taako: What the Heck man

by Speg



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-26
Updated: 2018-12-25
Packaged: 2019-09-27 15:25:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,223
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17164469
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Speg/pseuds/Speg
Summary: Taako makes some very poor life decisions and ends up going down an alternate path from what we'd know as the climax of The Adventure Zone. Major spoilers for episodes 55-69 so be warned.





	1. Fleeing Fate

"Understand this: I have nothing, and I don't give a shit. The world is ending, and I. Don't. Care."

Those words still haunted his dreams. Every night playing one after another, an unfaltering script out of the mouth of his past self, making him beg the question, "What if things had gone different?"

Taako stirred from his sleep, a leaf fluttering off from his cheek as the early morning rays of light breached over the distant mountain tops to cascade down upon the heavily forested grass he'd been sleeping upon. Wordlessly he gathered his belongings; his backpack, his trusty and stylish 2 foot tall sorcerers hat and, as always, his Umbra Staff. Taako gazed around himself, taking in the surroundings one last time setting course north once more. A cool, early morning breeze swept through the treetops, carrying with it the all too familiar smell of ash and smoke. Glancing behind himself for a single moment, Taako's eyes lingered on the scorched earth off in the horizon, knowing that, beyond the hills and mountains, outside of the forest and rugged plains he'd traveled so long across, everything he'd ever known up until last week was being consumed by The Hunger.

His journey through the forest passed relatively uneventful, a few paranoid cracks of leaves turning out to be nothing more than wandering animals and, by mid-day, he'd found himself on the bay of a massive, shimmering sea stretching as far as he could see.

"So this is it, huh." He muttered to no one in particular, dropping his stuff down beside him as he sat on the soft, warm sandy beach. "The Stillwater Sea. It's funny, we spent so much time saving it but we never actually got around to visiting i..." Taako caught himself, mouth agape for just a second before he shut it in silence. "That's right." He whispered, dipping his staff into the water, rings spreading out from its contact point, "They're not here anymore... none of them are."

 

"Taako, please just trust me. It's- what we did to this world. We made a promise a hundred years ago to-" 

Lucretia would never get to finish that sentence. Just as her last words were passing the threshold of her lips, Taako's staff had fired off a volley of bolts, each one pounding her feeble form, her body crumpling to the ground never to stand in this room again.

"Woah woah woah! Taako, what the hell are ya doing?!" Merle's gruff voice shouted, echoing from the back of the hall. Magnus himself looked concerned, shakily lowering his weapon from his position behind Taako, as though even he hadn't been prepared to actually use it against Lucretia. Carey and Killian, having been situated in the doorway into the Director's room, stood there in stunned silence while Angus McDonald simply mustered a faint, " You... you killed her."

Taako didn't respond to any of them, didn't even look at them as he paced over to a gaping hole in the wall from which a clear view of the destruction being wrought from The Hunger was openly available. The last words he spoke, his colleagues still staring on in shocked silence, were, "I'm going to find Lup." and with that, he dove , leaving the Bureau, and his friends, behind.

 

Taako pulled out an apple from his bag and began gnawing on it, wincing a bit at it's bitter taste. The lake still glimmered with the now setting sun, it's familiar, yellow glow having been subdued with splashes of pink and purple as the afternoon haze transitioned into a spectacular splash of evening sky. All of this was stifled, however, by the ever increasing darkness enveloping the sky. When it'd first invaded nearly a week ago, The Hunger was only just as large as the moon base, yet now it had grown to envelop half the planet. Taako knew he didn't have much time, if he ever wanted to find Lup he'd need to act fast.

Suddenly, a crack of a twig sent Taako leaping to his feet, aiming his staff at the small, humanoid figure hovering awkwardly behind him.

"Sir wait! don't fire!" Yelped the all too familiar chirp of the boy Taako knew fully well as Angus McDonald.

Taako sighed, lowering his staff, "How did you find me Ang- actually let me spare you the trouble, I'm guessing it's the World Greatest Boy Detective stuff or something, am I right?"

Angus nodded, pulling out a notepad where he'd been tracking Taako's location for the past week. "I um, didn't want to reveal myself too early since you could always just, um, run away... but this seemed as good a place as I could get. But listen Taako I-"

Taako interrupted him, abruptly shoving a finger against Angus' face as he bluntly commanded, "Whatever you're about to say, save it. I'm not going back there to be revived with that snake Lucretia and repeat this hell for the hundredth time, I'm finding Lup and getting away from this damn planet, away from all of this. I've already made up my mind."

"Well sir it's... it's Kravitz"

Taako paused, for the first time in a while seeming lost for words. He turned around back to Angus once more and, pocketing his staff, he softly conceded, "I'm listening." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally wrote this chapter about 6 months before posting it here so the quality improves a bit by the most recent ones.


	2. Who's Watching the Cats?!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Taako meets up with a daring death dude and shares his current thoughts. Angus waits.

The trip to the Astral plain was much more... abrupt than how Taako had last remembered it. Mere seconds after he'd given Angus a chance to explain his mission a misty portal had burst open beneath their feet, swallowing them up and leaving the forest in its regular nightly calm, a single raven fluttering to a perch atop the very tree where Taako's equipment lay dormant, milky shadows creeping onto his staff.

The boys tumbled out of the under side of the portal and landed in a heap on the red, dusty soil. Looking around, darkness seemed to stretch off in all distances above them for what seemed like forever, only the relatively small patch of dirt having been illuminated where they landed.

"God, Angus." Taako huffed, jerking to his feet as dust sprinkled down off his tunic, "The least you could've done is warned me you were gonna do some freaky Dr.Strange magic"

Angus stumbled his words as well as to his feet, clattering, "I-I didn't do that sir! That must be..." Silence befell them both as a ghastly shadow befell the two of them, a dark, robed figure emerging from the ashen soil and, as he threw his cloaked hood back, rather than an ominous beast or demon instead emerged a beaming face, his fiery eyes transfixed directly onto Taako. 

"Babe!" Taako screeched, shoving past Angus and leaping to meet Kravitz in a loving embrace, their lips quickly intertwining as Taako clung to the still slightly hovering reaper, the elf's toes dangling slightly off the ground as Kravitz hugged him firmly, softly chuckling as they broke off their smooch.   
"Oh my god, babe, you have no idea what I've just been through. Th-the memories I've gotten back. I have a sister! Did you know I have a sister?!" He spun them around, the two of them coasting in circles as Taako pushed his boot against the ground. Collapsing his face into Kravitz shoulder, he sighed and whimpered out, "It's been a rough week." Kravitz planted his lips upon his forehead and began to gently float him back to the ground, the two of them landing a few feet from Angus who, throughout this whole courtship, had been standing awkwardly where they'd first fallen. 

"Um so sirs there's actually this message I need to read from Kravit-" He paused in realization that the bounty hunter stood directly before him and, flushed in embarrassment, simply muttered, "Y-you can take it from here sir." 

Kravitz begrudgingly broke from his crasp and cleared his throat, delivering, "Taako, as much as it pleases me to see you alive and well despite the chaos going on across the many realms there is a reason I had Angus here find you." He began to pace, magically illuminating several illustrations in the air before them, the first of which depicted a Neverwinter being consumed by the cosmically large Hunger. "As you know, and as I have had to find out through several months of near death experiences," Taako gasped in evident worry, prompting Kravitz to break his hard facade and laugh, jokingly saying "Oh sweetheart you know I'm always near death, she's my boss after all!" The room fell in deafening silence for a few second before he continued. 

"Anyways, the realms are in a sort of state of siege right now, not even the gods being able to fend off The Hunger. I only just escaped after months of fight and imprisonment and I know that if the Astral Plane has fallen then it can't be long before the other realms fall as well. Taako." He turned about-face and stared down at his lover, face clenching up as he softly pleaded, "You have to face them Taako, you're the only one, well, the only one left who can face this thing!" 

Taako stood there in silence for a few moments before eventually settling on a response. "Babe, listen." He placed a hand on his frigid shoulder, "Lup is out there somewhere and without her, well, what reason do I have to save the world?" He paused, facing downwards before continuing slowly, "You need to understand, I lost everything last week and-" His voice began to crack, tears welling in his eyes as he broke down, "And if I die before getting her back then that's it! There's not a single other person in this world anymore who knows she exists and if I don't do it then who the FUCK WILL?!?" Taako collapsed to his knees, tears pouring down his face. Kravitz knelt beside him, pulling the shuddering cook by his side and wrapping his arm around him.   
"You really care about her, don't you?" His voice crackled through Taako's tears.   
"More than anything in any world. She's... she's everything I'd lost before last week and I can't lose her again."

Kravitz continued to hold him closely for several minutes, the thud of tear against dirt and the occasional sobbing sniffle echoing throughout the seemingly never-ending expanse of the Astral Plane. 

After an indeterminable amount of time, Taako finally rose to his feet once again, whispering, "Come on Angus, we're going." Kravitz, though his ghastly face reeked of disappointment, simply nodded his head and, once more, the wispy expanse of a portal snapped open below their feet, sending Angus and Taako tumbling back into the normal world. 

 

The two of them tumbled down once more in a heap upon the same grass where they'd left mere minutes ago.   
"Well" Taako muttered, once again stepping over Angus to right himself, "That was certainly one way to get back in contact..." Under his breath he muttered, "Could've just sent me a text or somethin" His pace came to an abrupt halt and, flipping around to look at the just now arising Angus, he uttered, "Angus, deary, sweet Jr.Detective of mine... Where. is. my. stuff?"

Sure enough, there now sat merely empty space where the pile of Taako's belongings had been sitting beneath the old oak tree. 

"Angus I swear to Pan I will-"   
Stopping just short of cleaving his still maturing head, Angus suddenly chirped up and managed out, "W-wait, sir look!" As he pointed behind him to the very trail Taako had taken to come to the Stillwater Sea. There, freshly imprinted on the muddy path, led a trail of footprints leading off into the forest and, off a few thousand feet he could see, into a gaping cavern. 

"Come on" Taako commanded, yanking Angus' arm behind him as they set off at an abrupt pace to face whatever, or whoever, had snagged his stuff.


	3. Here There be Family

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Taako and Angus dwelve into the depths of the thieve's hideaway, though what they discover in there may raise more questions than it answers. Will Taako find his totally ordinary staff? Will Angus ever get the recognition for the prodigy he is? Who knows.

Creeping into the cavernous, chilly cave Taako and Angus strolled side by side. The short boy headed the group, wand at the ready. The stick illuminated a faint foot wide radius in front of them as the duo tip-toed deeper inwards, Angus' breath huffing out in short, frigid clouds. The only light shone in through small cracks in the ceiling, a few bugs flitting around in the pillars of light. 

"Taako I think we're lost." Angus' nasally voice split through the silence. 

"Angus, please." Taako inhaled, "To be lost implies having a destination to begin with." 

The ground shook beneath their feet, dust falling from the ceiling with both of them bracing before things returned to normal. 

"I-I don't know, maybe we should turn back?" Angus squeaked, all the while Taako continued trekking onward. 

"Hold on, I think I see." Taako squinted, snatching Angus' wand from his hand and holding it in front of himself, "Yeah, looks like light." With a flick of his hand the wand was snuffed out. Sure enough, an plain looking, wooden door with a fair amount of line spilling out through its frame. Angus and Taako exchanged glances and, with a mutual nod, slammed their way through the door. 

What had been a still scene exploded into chaos as a small human and elf burst in through the front door. Three goblins had been sitting around this plain, square room doing usual goblin things when the attack had begun. Taako rolled into action, casting mislead on himself as he dashed off to find his stolen goods while a magical duplicate stood at the ready a few feet from the door. Angus, flashing his novice magic powers about, cast mage hand on several objects lying about the room including a TV remote, a shoe, a torn magazine, a couch cushion and several hundred coins along with a jar labelled, "team lottery fund." The nearest goblin yelped as the mass of objects slammed against his head, knocking him clear unconscious. The two goblins both arose together, screaming as they grappled about for their weaponry. Taako, having at this point dashed behind them, snagged a dagger from the back pocket of the larger one and, with two swift jabs, imprinted two lasting holes through their chests. Having seen his items were, in fact, not in this room, he turned to the nearest exit, an open doorway into a tunnel and ran. 

"Go find the staff, sir! I can take whatever happens here!" Angus grinned, slamming the mass of objects against the already downed goblins, relishing in the violence. Taako's magic clone gave him a thumbs up, mimicking the disappeared original, before dissipating into smoke leaving Angus alone in this room. Angus began doing what came naturally, investigating. Bending down to inspect the unconscious goblin, he nearly leaped out of his skin as, from in the doorway behind him, a familiar voice spoke out. 

"Oh. There you are, boy." 

 

 

Taako dashed through a narrow, metallic hallway, industrial looking lights dangling from the ceiling every few dozen feet. Every now and then it would intersect with other, same looking tunnels. He quickly slowed to a stroll as his ears picked up on the eerie sound of metal against metal slowly but steadily slinking towards him . "Greater Invisibility" he whispered, body dissolving away in a matter of seconds. He waited with baited breath as the clanking grew louder and louder, seconds ticking away as his heart pounded at the thought of what must be coming. Finally, a shadow loomed out across the metal floor and, with a great clash of metal, revealed the lanky, yellow leg of a robotic mech. Taako gazed up in horror as a square-bodied machine loomed over him. Two doors garnished the front of it's "body" composing what made up its "face". Two eyes, seemingly haphazardly glued on, sat dormant and lifeless on each of them and a grinning, painted on smile splashed across the lower half of its face. Finally, a red nose glimmered in the soft light. 

Taako took a single step back, giving the machine all it needed to confirm its suspicions. It turned with inhuman agility to face the frozen elf, invisibility melting as Taako lost the last of his composure. Then, with a voice nearly as terrifying as its appearance, it gargled out, "Hi! I'm Mr.Upsy: Your Lifting Friend! Do you want to ride in my belly?!" 

The elf swiftly rolled backwards at Upsy slammed his two, massive fists where he'd been standing a second ago. Fighting friction as he hit the ground, Taako began conjuring a spell and, with a great cry he yelled, "Magic missile!" Several dozen magical bolts appeared from thin air, twirling in the air for a moment before flinging off towards the massive robot. A few soured past but the majority embedded themselves in its husk, digging deep into its armor though not yet penetrating.   
"Hey come on! Don't you wanna ride?" Upsy staggered forwards, slamming its meaty fists down in rapid succession. Taako deftly dodged and weaved, spinning about as the robot missed blow after blow. Then, as Upsy's hand slammed down beside him, Taako yanked his stolen dagger from his belt and, leaping up onto his palm, stabbed it down clean through the metal hull.   
Upsy let out a roar of pain, sobbing, "Hey! You know I've got flesh on the inside, right?!?" Upsy brought his now oil-spilling fist back towards his body, the short Elf still clinging onto it, dagger now yanked free. 

"Sorry Upsy." Taako grimaced, feeling his magic reach a critical level as he channeled one of his most powerful spells, "But I always did prefer escalators." 

"Whaaaaaattttt!" Upsy barely had time to exclaim as Taako leapt off his fist, twirling through the air and, with a magnificent incantation shouted, "Maze!" By the time Taako had touched back to the ground, Upsy was gone, vanished, transported to a extra-dimensional maze where he may never return. Taako collapsed onto one knee, grimacing as his magic flickered and faded. "Shit." He muttered, "I've only got a few more of these bad boys before I'm sauteed myself." Pulling himself back up to his feet, he continued on down the hallways, now at a more rapid pace. 

After ten minutes of walking he had reached the end of the hallway. A two-door metal hatched sealed something inside and, if Taako had to guess, he'd guess it'd be where his stuff was. "Hmm... what could the password be?" Questioned Taako to no one in particular as he inspected a keypad affixed to the front of the door. 

His hand hovered above as he muttered his try, "Hmm... let's see, one, one, one uuhhhhh one!" Surprisingly enough the door slid right open though, when he stepped through, he realized he likely had nothing to do with it. 

Standing in a semicircle facing him were his former colleagues, his friends. Merle, Magnus and Lucretia stood directly before him, Angus' head peering out from behind Magnus. Then, flanking them on the right, stood Davenport and Barry Bluejeans, both looking at Taako cross-armed. To the left stood Cary and Killian, looking a bit unsure themselves but still brandishing the same weapons he'd seen them carry all those days ago. 

"Taako." Merle spoke up, "We need to talk."


	4. The Stolen Weekend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh boy angst and redemption time. Looks like Taako finally has to deal with his impulsive choices and the consequences they brought. Though whether or not this meeting of the title characters will sway him back to the heroes side is yet to be seen.

"Merle, Magnus, Lucretia y-you're... I mean, you're all still?"

"Yeah, we're all still alive. No thanks to you I should add." Merle cut Taako off, crossing his arms with a self indulgent huff. "Yeahh that fight was pretty crazy after you left." His gruff, old voice chuckled, "I probably took down at least seventy Hunger soldiers myself, aand of course Magnus helped a bit to-" 

Magnus interjected, "Merle cast Zone of Truth and wasted all his spell slots before he could kill any of them."

"You better believe they were killing us honestly though!" Merle bickered back. 

"Ahem." Lucretia put her hand on Merle's shoulder, "Perhaps we could, say, skip to the point?" 

"Er, right." Merle looked down, a bit embarrassed, "So I don't think I need to tell you buuut the world out there's gone a bit to shit." 

"That's a bit of an understatemen- owch!" Taako was cut off by a wack to the back of the head by Davenport, his furled, mustached face showing the utmost seriousness. 

"Well anyway, we left that old moon base the day after the invasion. Not of our choice obviously!" He added in to Taakos incredulous look, "But when there's twenty Hunger monsters for every one of our staff members, Garfield included, well there's not much we could do except retreat back here." 

"Okay that's like, cool and great and all like 'wow yeah you got some exposition out, neat'" Taako glared at them, "But that still doesn't explain what I have to do with this, or how you found me or what my child is doing behind you." He glared at Angus who simply muttered, "They took my wand away sir, I'm in timeout." 

Magnus spoke up, seeming a bit shy to be speaking for the group he nevertheless stepped forwards and said, "Taako you... you belong with us! We're your family and I know this week has been tough to, well, say the least but no matter how much you run you won't escape the fact that we're meant to be together, as a group!" 

Taako looked down and breathed, "What gives you any right... any right at all to talk about family, when she!" He jabbed a finger towards Lucretia, tears brimming in his eyes, "She took away the only real family I had." 

Merle spoke, "Oh come on Taako you don't mean tha-" 

"Oh come off it Merle, get off your high church." Taako spat, shooting daggers into Merle, "You can't say you're not the least bit pissed off at the fact she STOLE a whole century of memories from us?? My own sister?" 

Merle sighed, "I was. I was very mad I'll admit." Taako blinked as Merle continued, "And I'll admit that, in that moment, with you and Magnus threatening to hurt the directer I..." He glanced away from Lucretia, "I knew I would've stuck with you guys no matter your decision." Taako opened his mouth to speak but Merle pressed on, "But that's the thing kiddo, I didn't act impulsively. I stuck around and gave Lucretia a chance to explain herself! I mean, she was barely an adult when she made the toughest decision of her life and you know what" He huffed, Taako's stature having gone back to a slump at this point, "I. Forgive. Her."

Silence filled the room for a moment or two. Taako seemed faint, his mouth moving to form words yet none coming out. However, before he could find the right words, the Director cut in. 

"Taako." She addressed him softly, stepping forwards, "I understand I have not always been the most transparent person." She looked down, sighing, "I have made many mistakes on this centuries long journey of ours, but perhaps the most grave were the ones committed just last weekend. I should have explained myself then and there but." She paused before him, having traveled the length of the room, the two of them now within touching distance. "If you could not forgive me then, perhaps you could find it to forgive me now." And, bringing her hands from behind her back, she presented a familiar umbrella, dropping it in Taako's hands. 

Taako looked down at the staff with a mixed face, half of joy and half of sorrow. For, even though his family was right here before him, a gaping hole still was left ripped through his heart. "Lucretia." He breathed, touching the staff's handle. However, before he could say more, the staff suddenly erupted with an explosion, blasting both him and the director away. When the light faded, Taako sat up and, groaning, saw Magnus and Merle above him, looking down with worry while the rest of the room cared to the director. 

"God damn it Umbra Staff." He coughed, groaning as he refused help up. "After all this time, all this shit I've had to go through to get you it's like you don't even want..." It was at this moment that it all clicked. Taako froze, a few steps away from the dormant staff. "Oh. Ohohohoh! you god damn idiot, Taako." He slapped himself in the forehead, his chuckle growing to an almost deranged guffaw. 

"T-taako you okay, buddy?" Merle reached out a hand that missed to an already racing Taako. He ran, ran without looking, without caring, without considering for even a moment he could be wrong because, deep in his heart, he knew that this was exactly the message he had been missing, the puzzle piece he had not pieced together and yet had been residing in his hand this whole time. He leapt up in the air and, with a swift stomp of his foot, split the Umbra staff in twain. 

 

 

 

 

A blinding flash of light erupted from the staff, elf and human alike averting their gaze from the magnificent display. As the light faded, the gang looked up and saw, above the continuing radiance of the shattered wood, a red robed lich floating above it. As Taako looked up with tears in his eyes he heard the voice of his sister for the first time in years, 

"You're dating the grim reaper?!?"


End file.
